8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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