Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
