I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
