my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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