when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
