I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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