Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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