I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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