i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
