At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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