I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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