we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
