I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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