It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i will never coherently bang her
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
