He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
