I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Need sex. Gaining weight.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
