I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
