There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
