I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
