I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
