hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
is that a dick in a sweater?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
