he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
