Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
