Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
