you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
