I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
