omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
