Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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