Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm passing your future prison.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
