allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
