What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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