saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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