my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
