dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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