Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
