mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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