Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
