I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
