you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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