Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
