he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
