you didnt know i had herpes?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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