You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
