i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
