A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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