I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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