it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
