Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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