i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
