I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
